Currently I am working on developing my soft skills, which will be useful for the type of job I am doing. On a regular basis I need to provide a vision to several people, get them on board for my ideas, have them share their ideas, motivate them and build a mutually trustful relationship. By nature I would appear to have a high EQ. I noticed in my early teens that I pick up subtleties others would not, although it took me into my early 20s specify this further and come across high sensitivity and the concept of emotional intelligence.
So, there was me and my coworker today whose background could not be any more different. I am European, he is Chinese, none of us has English as their first language. I tend to be direct and managed to offend people from another background in the past. Friends have told me they were intimidated by me when we first met, so my focus was on starting today's meeting in a relaxed atmosphere, observe and adjust my voice and words accordingly. After all this meeting was about him taking on more work and contribute to what I do and I needed him to get on board for this and wanting to work with me.
His body language was tense and he looked as though he wanted to leave this meeting. I sensed he was worried about being overloaded with work and tried to find a way to put him at ease, say something that would help him, not interfere with my own values and still help to mutually agree our way forward. After some time I reassured him that it is important to me the people I work with are happy and than I am happy if they can balance work and their 'other life'. I gave him an idea as to what his focus would be on in the coming months so he got a sense of the expectations by taking on this project. Maybe 40 minutes into this meeting I saw a sudden shift. He relaxed in his chair and was even leaning forward. It was as though a huge weight fell off him and he then said it would be good for him to take on this work as he can learn a lot. I could not help but smile at this success for both of us.
Monday, 5 October 2015
Monday, 14 September 2015
Divide and conquer with the bully boss
The middle aged female bully boss likes to surround herself with young males in the early or mid 20s. She loves the attention they give each other, while the junior colleagues cannot reach her the water in terms of achievements and have one thing I do not: a penis. I mean it. The bully boss does not like other women, which has become more than obvious. I am yet to figure out what triggers this, but it is easy to tell how she reacts having other women near her: she throws them under the bus, badmouths them, intimidates them and gives them the cold shoulder. When with other women the bully boss has to have her way and will do anything to get this.
Today she surrounded herself with four junior colleagues, three males and one female, and started gossiping about the leader. Two of them are her direct reports. She disclosed information from a meeting with the leader and other line managers, while at the same time discounting what the leader said in that meeting. The young colleagues all agreed with her and I wish them that one day they will be independent and strong enough to have their own opinion.
Those young people must have felt part of the club chatting about this stuff with a senior person. What they do not know is that the recent organizational changes have, in fact, meant the demotion of the bully boss and that she has lost credibility amongst other seniors. She excels as an individual contributor and has brought in a lot of money for the company, but the lacks situational awareness nor does she understand her responsibilities as a manager. The be friends with her is not something I would aim for, but I may be biased here.
Today she surrounded herself with four junior colleagues, three males and one female, and started gossiping about the leader. Two of them are her direct reports. She disclosed information from a meeting with the leader and other line managers, while at the same time discounting what the leader said in that meeting. The young colleagues all agreed with her and I wish them that one day they will be independent and strong enough to have their own opinion.
Those young people must have felt part of the club chatting about this stuff with a senior person. What they do not know is that the recent organizational changes have, in fact, meant the demotion of the bully boss and that she has lost credibility amongst other seniors. She excels as an individual contributor and has brought in a lot of money for the company, but the lacks situational awareness nor does she understand her responsibilities as a manager. The be friends with her is not something I would aim for, but I may be biased here.
Friday, 11 September 2015
Monday, 7 September 2015
The bully still behave as if she was my boss. The situation has been this:
Every monday the bully boss held a team meeting - this was started long time ago - without an agenda any kind of structure. Sometimes she would ask me what I am working on, or would want to know some detail of my work rather than providing the big picture, the framework. Nothing ever came out of these meetings nor did the bully boss remember anything I said. Quite often she would ask me the same questions repeatedly in different Monday meetings.
Some weeks ago the bully boss had authority removed and the leader (her boss and now also mine) took over the monday meetings. He would go around and give everyone the chance to speak briefly to address any concerns or burning issues. If critical the leader would follow up on some items. Now, sometimes the leader is not here, so he has asked the bully boss to hold these meetings on his behalf.
It is not that the bully boss has learned how to hold a constructive meeting since the leader took over.
As soon as it started she asked me:
Bully boss (BB): So, target, what are you working on at the moment?
Me: Just the usual stuff (I don't report to her after all)
BB: So, have you got your project finished?
Me: Yes, we finished last week.
BB: When does it go live?
Me: In September (how many times I have I said this before???)
BB (trying to find other munition): So, what about your trip to Brazil?
Me: Yes, I'm going to Brazil.
BB: When are you going?
Me: I am going in October.
BB: Who are you meeting?
Me: We are setting up meetings at the moment.
BB: And who are you meeting? Are you getting help from this other lady?
Me: I am working on it with 'this other lady' and the leader. If you are interested I can share with you the agenda when it is finalised.
BB looked visibly confused not being used to boundary setting. Instead of focusing on important things that need to be addressed rather urgently, she randomly picks subjects and wants full reporting on them. It's not that the leader is on annual leave, he is just not in the office but working, and there just is no need for her to try and get detailed reporting from me about an upcoming business trip, especially when the leader, my boss, is available otherwise, just not physically. This as example my seem trivial on its own, but it was a pattern until not long ago. It is a way to control other peoples work. How I know that? Well, the bully boss has not been constructive in bringing up the subject and her asking. She has not come up with any ideas or constructive feedback - she just felt she is entitled to be kept in the loop for whatever reason and that I am obliged to answer. Maybe she needed to feel in authority, I don't know, but her asking was not leading a team nor did she represent the leader in his absence.
When I gave here the final answer, she was seeking approval from two junior team members. You know when one looks at another like 'Are you thinking what I am thinking?'. She needed them to agree that I am acting in a weird way, apparently, because I did not oblige.
Every monday the bully boss held a team meeting - this was started long time ago - without an agenda any kind of structure. Sometimes she would ask me what I am working on, or would want to know some detail of my work rather than providing the big picture, the framework. Nothing ever came out of these meetings nor did the bully boss remember anything I said. Quite often she would ask me the same questions repeatedly in different Monday meetings.
Some weeks ago the bully boss had authority removed and the leader (her boss and now also mine) took over the monday meetings. He would go around and give everyone the chance to speak briefly to address any concerns or burning issues. If critical the leader would follow up on some items. Now, sometimes the leader is not here, so he has asked the bully boss to hold these meetings on his behalf.
It is not that the bully boss has learned how to hold a constructive meeting since the leader took over.
As soon as it started she asked me:
Bully boss (BB): So, target, what are you working on at the moment?
Me: Just the usual stuff (I don't report to her after all)
BB: So, have you got your project finished?
Me: Yes, we finished last week.
BB: When does it go live?
Me: In September (how many times I have I said this before???)
BB (trying to find other munition): So, what about your trip to Brazil?
Me: Yes, I'm going to Brazil.
BB: When are you going?
Me: I am going in October.
BB: Who are you meeting?
Me: We are setting up meetings at the moment.
BB: And who are you meeting? Are you getting help from this other lady?
Me: I am working on it with 'this other lady' and the leader. If you are interested I can share with you the agenda when it is finalised.
BB looked visibly confused not being used to boundary setting. Instead of focusing on important things that need to be addressed rather urgently, she randomly picks subjects and wants full reporting on them. It's not that the leader is on annual leave, he is just not in the office but working, and there just is no need for her to try and get detailed reporting from me about an upcoming business trip, especially when the leader, my boss, is available otherwise, just not physically. This as example my seem trivial on its own, but it was a pattern until not long ago. It is a way to control other peoples work. How I know that? Well, the bully boss has not been constructive in bringing up the subject and her asking. She has not come up with any ideas or constructive feedback - she just felt she is entitled to be kept in the loop for whatever reason and that I am obliged to answer. Maybe she needed to feel in authority, I don't know, but her asking was not leading a team nor did she represent the leader in his absence.
When I gave here the final answer, she was seeking approval from two junior team members. You know when one looks at another like 'Are you thinking what I am thinking?'. She needed them to agree that I am acting in a weird way, apparently, because I did not oblige.
Friday, 21 August 2015
A 1 to 1 with the leader
After my first one to one with the leader today I felt energized and motivated. The leader has understood my career ambitions and clearly stated his expectations. He asked for my opinion and went through my objectives for the rest of the financial year. He also suggested a weighing of the objectives, was complimentary about my strengths and gave me ideas for development opportunities. He was totally calm which enabled me to remain calm as well. The meeting was a positive experience and I know I can approach him anytime about anything.
Previously with the bully boss, the boss started the meeting nervously and unprepared. I did not feel the bully boss was in tune with my achievements during the year nor that she cared. She would spend time talking highly of her favourites in the team (all young boys right from uni or with little experience, while herself she is a middle aged woman) and how lucky we are to have hired them. She told me how good they are and mentioned some of their objectives to me. I would desperately try and tell her what I have done and get her to notice it because I knew it is important for my advancement. The bully boss' mind had no time for it so it seemed and would never follow up on our discussion. At the end of the year I would complete my self-assessment, list my achievements and tell the bully boss during the review, but the bully boss would not comment. Instead she would sit there and just look at me, before drifting off to speaking about other people. I felt confused, abused and demotivated. It sucked the life out of me.
Previously with the bully boss, the boss started the meeting nervously and unprepared. I did not feel the bully boss was in tune with my achievements during the year nor that she cared. She would spend time talking highly of her favourites in the team (all young boys right from uni or with little experience, while herself she is a middle aged woman) and how lucky we are to have hired them. She told me how good they are and mentioned some of their objectives to me. I would desperately try and tell her what I have done and get her to notice it because I knew it is important for my advancement. The bully boss' mind had no time for it so it seemed and would never follow up on our discussion. At the end of the year I would complete my self-assessment, list my achievements and tell the bully boss during the review, but the bully boss would not comment. Instead she would sit there and just look at me, before drifting off to speaking about other people. I felt confused, abused and demotivated. It sucked the life out of me.
Monday, 10 August 2015
On Honeymoon with the leader
Today was day 1 with my new boss as he returned from annual leave. It is incredibly liberating to be able to work in a safe place and it looks like I am one of the few targets that do not eventually need to leave their job due to bullying.
As a number one rule leaders need to make their direct reports look as good as possible, so the new reporting structure has been disguised as reorganisation within the business unit. Well, I am certain some changes would have taken place anyhow, but if it ain't broken don't fix it, right? In some way the bully boss has had responsibility removed and I consider myself lucky to have this kind of outcome for myself.
How did the bully boss react? Well, the bully boss went into silent treatment. I now definitely no longer exist for her. Although we sit only three meters away, there is no eye contact, no good morning, no goodbye, nothing. I sensed a similar behaviour towards her manager which now is also my manager. I no longer need to care.
So, this is me on the honeymoon with the new boss and I look forward to re-assess the situation in a few months time once I get a full picture. I am very optimistic. It cannot get worse. Gone is the feeling of powerlessness against the manipulation of the higher ranking people, against the bad mouthing of my ability to perform the job, the isolation from the rest of the team, the pitting of team members against each other to establish winners and losers (me), the intimidation and the fault finding with anything I do. I salute everyone who has gone through this longer than me (18 months). It took me about six months to figure out something is not right, another six months to realise I cannot fix the situation and another six months to fight for an outcome I can live with.
I do not know how much it has helped to report the issue to HR, but I do know that I would do it again. What did I have to lose? I had reached a stage where I was prepared to leave the company on the spot, so I thought I might as well try this route before acting on Plan B after quitting. It has been stressful and exhausting but so is putting up with bullying and I am glad I stood up for myself.
As a number one rule leaders need to make their direct reports look as good as possible, so the new reporting structure has been disguised as reorganisation within the business unit. Well, I am certain some changes would have taken place anyhow, but if it ain't broken don't fix it, right? In some way the bully boss has had responsibility removed and I consider myself lucky to have this kind of outcome for myself.
How did the bully boss react? Well, the bully boss went into silent treatment. I now definitely no longer exist for her. Although we sit only three meters away, there is no eye contact, no good morning, no goodbye, nothing. I sensed a similar behaviour towards her manager which now is also my manager. I no longer need to care.
So, this is me on the honeymoon with the new boss and I look forward to re-assess the situation in a few months time once I get a full picture. I am very optimistic. It cannot get worse. Gone is the feeling of powerlessness against the manipulation of the higher ranking people, against the bad mouthing of my ability to perform the job, the isolation from the rest of the team, the pitting of team members against each other to establish winners and losers (me), the intimidation and the fault finding with anything I do. I salute everyone who has gone through this longer than me (18 months). It took me about six months to figure out something is not right, another six months to realise I cannot fix the situation and another six months to fight for an outcome I can live with.
I do not know how much it has helped to report the issue to HR, but I do know that I would do it again. What did I have to lose? I had reached a stage where I was prepared to leave the company on the spot, so I thought I might as well try this route before acting on Plan B after quitting. It has been stressful and exhausting but so is putting up with bullying and I am glad I stood up for myself.
Sunday, 26 July 2015
Getting back to old self
After months of fighting I have a new boss and I am not the only one. Two more people from the 'old' team have been moved under a different manager. It probably is not coincidence that those two were the bully boss' favourites, while I was the least favourite unable to accomplish anything, apparently.
The dynamics will change now and it will be interesting to watch. I believe the bully boss has been confused since the news came and has been giving me the silent treatment. She has also snapped at her manager - the bully boss and myself now report to the same person. I have no problem with it, but I am sure she has. The bully boss wants exclusive access to the higher ups she desperately tried to keep me out of while I was under her. This was one way to control me and make sure I do not look good in front of them. She badmouthed me.
This is the most relaxed Sunday night in a long time.
The dynamics will change now and it will be interesting to watch. I believe the bully boss has been confused since the news came and has been giving me the silent treatment. She has also snapped at her manager - the bully boss and myself now report to the same person. I have no problem with it, but I am sure she has. The bully boss wants exclusive access to the higher ups she desperately tried to keep me out of while I was under her. This was one way to control me and make sure I do not look good in front of them. She badmouthed me.
This is the most relaxed Sunday night in a long time.
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