The 2nd time of my life

The first time of my life was in my early 20s. Studying and working abroad with a bunch of world citizens, breaking out of the every day life. I remember the feeling returning to my university hometown after more than one year. The cashier at my local supermarket was still the same, sitting at the checkout all the time I was away and had the time of my life.

18 months later I went into my next adventure.  I boarded a plane to a country I had never been to to set up a new life. No flat. No job. Little money. Sleepless nights.

The job came along and grabbed all my attention for almost 10 years.  I burned out. I took time out and after some initial struggles and confusion about what life is about, who I am, what I want and how I got into this situation and if I should resign from the job, I thoroughly enjoyed the second half of my break. I lived. I slept. I laughed.

Last week I returned to work and regret everything. After two days I contemplated resigning again. Savings would keep me going for a good year. But the savings were supposed to go into my property. Health is more important. I want to be happy. Resign?

I give it another week. Another chance.

50% Bliss

I am still not back to work.  How right I was to take time out. I have been rethinking my life. For whatever reason I have always been chasing something. The next pay rise, the next promotion, the next level of responsibility, more travel, more savings, the property ladder.  All to feel secure. I thought these things could solve all my problems and that they would bring infinite happiness.  I chased fairness and justice.  I tried the impossible and see myself as a fool.  All those years I have been chasing the wrong things. They made me unhappy. Every time I got something I had chased I wanted more soon thereafter.

Now I have had time and energy to reflect what I really want. I have not been chasing the evenings with friends at my place, some home cooking and amazing desserts, I love so much. I have not been chasing making my apartment cosy and pretty after I bought it, I have not been chasing spending more quality time with family. I have not been chasing making new friends from all paths of life. I have not been chasing who I really am and want to be.  I have not been chasing my passion for swimming, or try new cooking recipes with super food, and I have not been chasing well-being.  I have not looked after myself enough. I want to chase all these things now and not burn out again.

Getting off the hamster wheel

Some weeks ago I hit the wall.  This one morning I had so much resistance against going to this office in me I could no longer take it.  Instead I went to my GP, who signed me off and I have been off work since. Knowing that I will not have to put up with the corporate life for a while was incredibly liberating.  I was exhausted & drained, both physically and mentally.

The first two weeks I slept 10 hours most nights and still needed an afternoon nap.  The rest of the time I tried to go out to get some fresh air and do some things around the flat. Not in a million years  would I have realised how worn out I am had I not gone to the doctor this one morning.  The first two weeks made no difference. I did not have more energy than before.  The thoughts of going back sent chills down my spine.  I love my job, but not its circumstances.  

The Penis Premium

The Penis Premium: The Penis Premium is a term used by underpaid women to describe the gender pay gap in a cynical manner.  The Penis Premium is the difference in pay between confident appearing men, who have little experience and successfully push for a pay rise in a six monthly cycle, and whingy women with significantly more experience and higher responsibilities, who professionally lay out their case for a higher salary but are not eligible for a pay rise due to their lack of penises. 

 

I told the leader I am looking

and he took it well.

I am after better money and a job where my actual responsibilities are formalised.  If I am to manage and develop people the way I do I want it to be in my title and want to get compensated for.  There is this internal position that has come up and I am going to apply for it.  I told the leader I would like to find out more about the opportunity.  He got the hint.

He knew straight away what bothers me.  He said he would support me if this opportunity was what I wanted but that he would like to keep me.

My leader is a controlled person.  He has the biggest poker face. But in this case his body language gave him away.  He crumbled.

It made me feel good.  I know he likes my work and cannot change what I want changing.  But I have to do what I have to do.

How to divert from a difficult topic

I respect my leader a lot because I can observe and learn from his behaviour to build my own leadership skills.  He is level headed, objective, emotionally intelligent and more.  In recent months I have brought up the topic of my career progression again and again, just to keep it on his radar and make sure there is no misunderstanding (bad experience I had with a previous bully boss).

So, this week I called him as he was traveling overseas to discuss this and that, including my dissatisfaction with my current situation.  I tell him as it is and then he answers, referring to my comments.  Right after that however, he diverts from the subject - and he always does it in the same way: he says what he is up to for the rest of the day, then next week and the week after, that he will be off work then but that I can always contact him by text message.  He does this on many occasions when he just wants to move away from a subject.  He gets me to move away from a frustrating, yet important for me, subject and makes me feel important and appreciated in the end just by saying I can contact him at any time, even during his holiday.

Only now after several months I can see the pattern.  On the one hand I sometimes feel fooled because he can manage any conversation very skilfully, while on the other hand I admire him for this and almost feel privileged to be able to work with him.

Becoming more aware: body language and EQ

Currently I am working on developing my soft skills, which will be useful for the type of job I am doing.  On a regular basis I need to provide a vision to several people, get them on board for my ideas, have them share their ideas, motivate them and build a mutually trustful relationship.  By nature I would appear to have a high EQ.  I noticed in my early teens that I pick up subtleties others would not, although it took me into my early 20s specify this further and come across high sensitivity and the concept of emotional intelligence.   

So, there was me and my coworker today whose background could not be any more different.  I am European, he is Chinese, none of us has English as their first language.  I tend to be direct and managed to offend people from another background in the past.  Friends have told me they were intimidated by me when we first met, so my focus was on starting today's meeting in a relaxed atmosphere, observe and adjust my voice and words accordingly.  After all this meeting was about him taking on more work and contribute to what I do and I needed him to get on board for this and wanting to work with me.

His body language was tense and he looked as though he wanted to leave this meeting.  I sensed he was worried about being overloaded with work and tried to find a way to put him at ease, say something that would help him, not interfere with my own values and still help to mutually agree our way forward.  After some time I reassured him that it is important to me the people I work with are happy and than I am happy if they can balance work and their 'other life'.  I gave him an idea as to what his focus would be on in the coming months so he got a sense of the expectations by taking on this project.  Maybe 40 minutes into this meeting I saw a sudden shift.  He relaxed in his chair and was even leaning forward.  It was as though a huge weight fell off him and he then said it would be good for him to take on this work as he can learn a lot.  I could not help but smile at this success for both of us.